Happily Ever After? Psshh.

       Holidays make me want to puke. Okay...so maybe the title is a little off. I hate buying presents and I hate the anticipation of receiving them. I don't like buying them because a) I'm poor, b) I never know what to buy people because they always say "Oh, I don't know." Okay fine, you get a peanut! and c) I constantly worry about part b and whether they will like the gift enough and I usually wind up returning purchased gifts at least once. I don't like receiving them because a) it makes me blush and I hate blushing, b) what if it's a really sucky gift? I'm horrible at hiding my facial expressions and would never dream of offending someone that way and c) I constantly worry about making sure the gift I give them is just as wonderful as the one they gave me.
       On top of the gift giving there is the whole dad thing. I miss my dad so much. And that's everyday. During the holidays it's incredibly hard to even get out of bed some days. I cry all the time and get extremely sensitive. Stupid Hallmark commercials make me cry. It's horrible. I become this super hormonal crying blob. I hate it.
       Those damn Santa's with the bells. I know it's horrible for me to say this but I cannot stand them. Yes, I drop my $5 in every year but do they really need to ring those bells?
       I know I'm horrible. I just wish I wasn't so miserable. I miss my dad and my aunt faye. I miss Jared and I being best friends...not the awkward thing we've become. I miss my grandmothers and when the holidays used to bring us together instead of tearing us completely to shreds. I miss when my house was a home and I was happy. How did I get this way? School is seeming to drone on and my brain is mush, not comprehending a thing. I need a break. I need something...

       I have this feeling that I have or am seriously close to screwing everything up that is good in my life. I've become very meek and not as expressive or happy as I used to be. Until recently, I was assuming it was the daunting holiday season starting in on me earlier this year and I was just missing my dad more and more. Then something happened. I blew up at the last person I would ever want to be in a fight with and the first person I always run to for help in figuring out my own head. He's my best friend. Hell, he knows me better than even I know myself. I have become the biggest asshole, jerk, bitchface on the planet. I blew up at him for no real reason. I had one at the time but it was selfish and mean.
       Jared and I go way back. 10 years ago kinda way back. He knows me. You know? There is no telling what kind of stupid shit he could tell you about me. I became really comfortable with the fact that for a while I was the only "girlfriend" he had. (No, we've never dated. It would be too weird.) For a period of almost six months I was the only girl friend in his life and unfortunately I became happy with that. I mean, come on, getting to hang out with my best friend when he was in town whenever I wanted...I was not about to fight it. I loved having him around and not having to compete for his attention with another girl. ( I know I'm a selfish bitch! )
       All this came to a crashing halt this past weekend. Jared had promised me we would hang out when he was in town at some point during that weekend. One evening I saw him online and popped up to say hello. Well it wasn't Jared...it was his girlfriend. ( Dun dun dunn... ) I was a little peeved that she was on his screen name for one because I'm weird about that kind of stuff...it's how drama starts. ( And boy did it! ) Anyways, his girlfriend tells me that he said that he couldn't hang out with me that weekend because he was all hers. ( You can almost hear the tires screeching in my head, right? )
       First, I was mad at her. "How dare she take my best friend away"...blah blah blah. Then I was mad at him. "How dare he choose her over me!" ( Yeah, I really thought that. Weird, right? ) That single thought almost made my brain explode. A long time ago I had a very embarrassing crush on Jared. It was...not my proudest moment. ( Not that he's a bad guy! On the contrary, he's extremely attractive and a wonderful person! However, now that I'm older I see that Jared and I would kill each other in a relationship. And ya know he's like a brother. ) Anyhow, Jared is now talking to me on his screen name and I've just had this horrible thought crash my thinking process and I just couldn't stop bitching at him about all this shit. It wouldn't end because...well...have you ever had a moment where your brain thinks about two things at once? This was one of those moments.
       I was terrified that I had somehow redeveloped these feelings for Jared. I was torn between hurling and killing myself. Hello -- Jr. High was bad enough...I don't want to repeat the crushes I had. Plus..it was Jared, my best friend. There would be no way in hell I could ever date him. He knows way too much about me.
       After the fight I was in a state of shock. My brain felt like it would ooze out of my ears if I leaned too much to one side, so I sat crying and dumbfounded for an hour or more at my computer. I knew I was being selfish and a horrible friend but I was so mad and so frightened of having feelings for him. Eventually I talked to someone about my dilemma. I mean the bare your soul kind of talk. This was extremely odd because of who I had this talk with. Scotty is his name. Anyhow, Scotty and I talked about my situation and he helped me to understand my problem. Surprisingly it works.
       I'm not in love with Jared nor do I have any kind of romantic feelings for him. ( Me + Him + Naked = Puke! ) Throughout our entire friendship Jared has always had a girlfriend. Always. The past 6 months he and I have become closer than we've ever been. Looking back on Jared telling me about him and his current girlfriend I see it now that I was extremely jealous. ( Yes, I said it. I was fucking jealous!! ) I felt threatened that she would take my best friend away. All the fights that I picked between the two of us about her was me trying to get him to tell me that she would not affect our friendship, that it meant something to him, that I meant something to him and that he loved and cherished what we had as best friends.
       I dropped my jaw when Scotty was telling me all this. Once it came out of his mouth the tears began because he hit the nail on the head. Jared has told me that our friendship means something to him before but he never assured me that she wouldn't replace me. I was scared of losing him so I picked fights with him hoping he would see the problem. God, why couldn't I come up with that pyshcoanalysis? That sounds just fucked up enough to be something I would do. And Scotty handed me the proof the other night.
       I can't even remember all the things I said to Jared that night. They must have been completely horrible because he still isn't talking to me. I feel like such a fucking idiot and I've lost the best friend I've ever had. I hope he at least knows that I miss him and that I truly am sorry for everything that happened.
 

       It is my belief, for the most part, that once you and a boyfriend break up you both walk your separate ways. I used to believe that I was the type of girl that could be friends with her exes. I was wrong. I just dated a few amazing guys that were worth being friends with. Apparently, earlier in my dating life, I was much luckier than I am now. No, there is no doubt that my luck was better.
       Now-a-days, I get stuck with the illiterate hicks. There is nothing wrong with a Southern man. I am a self proclaimed hick. I come from a small town, I have a thick drawl, and fuck it, I love trucks and mud-riding. They are sexy and so is a Southern man. That drawl and the laid back attitude, it's hot. However, that doesn't mean I want to date a dumb-ass who cannot read or write. HA! Let's not forget that I'm a fucking English major. What a huge fucking contradiction is that? I might be able to handle an idiot when it comes to math, science, or history, but not being able to read? There is just no excuse for it in my book. Not even dyslexia. My brother and I both overcame that problem.
       Needless to say I came out of that relationship feeling more stupid than he is. Not to mention he was a druggie. And of course, I was blind to all this until one of our numerous fights about his potential and his need to get a job and I get all this shit thrown in my face. Naturally, I was livid and yeah, it was bad.
       All this happened well over two or three months ago. Why in the hell would he be calling me now wanting to, "hear my voice"? It's pretty fucked if you ask me. Anyway, I indulged the small minded boy and gave him a ring. It was a complete waste of my time. He ran his mouth about how he just got out of rehab and he's got a good job, he's clean, and misses me. Yeah, I bet he does. I'm about two years away from graduating college and then plan to go two more years for an MLA.
       Although I know I'm too good for him and everyone else knows I'm too good for him, he still gets to me. I fucking hate that shit. It's the most ridiculous thing ever. And no one fucking understands it. Hell, I feel stupid admitting it on here. I'm smarter than that. I would never dream of getting back together with him but, I can't help but miss him a little. Slightly. Not much. But it's a nagging sort of missing.
       My predicament for this week is that I will be going back to my hometown for the weekend. I'm really excited about it because I miss my family and friends down there like crazy! I can't wait to hang out with them all at the bon fire, drink a lot of cheap beer, and talk a lot of shit to my boys. Ahh, my country boys!! Stephen, my ex, used to be one of those boys and I'm hoping he won't get word of my trip this weekend and pop up. I'm afraid I'd flip and, at the risk of sounding immature, beat the shit out of him. However, seeing my other boys, who can all read, is going to be awesome! I love the attention of being the only girl in a group and being the only girl that they hardly see is even more special. And it's fall. God, I'm excited. I need to hang out with my boys and just not give a fuck.
 

    One of the main things that grates my nerves in the worst kind of way is drama. More specifically, petty, stupid girl drama. I'm not saying I'm above it. No no, I've participated on numerous occasions. Granted, this was mostly back in my high-school days, but nonetheless I have been involved in such childish antics.
    The wonderful thing about college is the lack of drama. Or so I thought. You see, I've only just begun my college experience. Jan. 10, 2007 was my first day of class. I was a ball of nervous energy, naturally. However, a few weeks in and I learned that no one gives a fuck. It was magical. For the first time in my life I felt free to speak my mind and to tell people to fuck off when they didn't like me. Gone were the days I hid behind a persona to please the popular kids. This feeling continued into my Summer semester and abruptly came to a halt just at a week ago with my Fall semester.
    I'm taking two classes with my best friend. I have yet to decide if this is a good thing or not because A) I'm extremely competitive and honestly, wouldn't be able to stand if she did better than me and B) she has written an article in our school newspaper that has caused a lot of drama as of late. This article was about the English Club, that we are both involved in, and how they are idiots for thinking the school would fund a poetry slam at a local bar. Well, needless to say, this reflected rather poorly on our English Club. And obviously pissed a lot of people off. The president and the professor sponsoring the club, of course. The issues with these people were handled delicately and appropriately. However, it sparked a personal battle between my friend and another girl who, by the way, was the one to suggest the bar idea. This girl is also in one of the classes that my friend and I share. Lovely.
    Besides the dirty looks the girls have passed each other during class and around campus, the spat has remained online with tactless emails. (This is mostly on the other girls part.) Tomorrow night, however, that will end as the English Club meets and the article will be discussed. The girl has expressed to my friend (in one of her tactless emails) that she believes that club would understand their need to "step outside."
    Whoa, rewind. That sounds like a threat to me. Granted, my friend is just an inch shy of being 6 feet tall but, I'll be damned if I'm going to let some little grammar whore swing at my best bud. And I mean swing as in either physically or verbally. Granted, they both could have handled things differently but, there is no need for this little girl to threaten her. It's ridiculous.
    Now, I'll admit, maybe my loyalty faltered a tad bit in the beginning, because of the crush I've developed on the vice president of the club. (Come on, he's cute and smart. How sexy is that?) One thing about me that will never change is my loyalty to my friends. Once I learned that the girl had said this, among other things to my friend, my mind was made up and my guns were pointed directly at this chick.
    I don't fight peoples battles. It's not my thing. You get yourself into it, you can get yourself out of it. I believe it's a character growing process, and it's how my daddy raised me. I do offer advice and support though. However, the most important thing he taught me is loyalty. So, I will not sit back and let this girl call my friend stupid, illiterate, or question her reading comprehension skills. And I will be at that meeting with popcorn for the show, my big book of Shakespeare's entire works, and my pitching arm. =)
    One thing is for sure...this is turning out to be the most interesting semester yet. And I owe that to my best friend. She's keeping me on my toes!! Who knew a bunch of English nerds could be so catty? Haha.
 

A new journal always feels like a fresh, new start to me. Am I right? Ha, of course I am. This is my journal, therefore, I'm always right while in here. =) Love it! Now, a new start means a rebirth, to me any how. What to start over with, is my predicament. I like my life. I have friends and I have fun. I'm not a recluse. I don't party too much. I'm doing well in school. I'm single and mostly happy with that. I love my mom and miss my dad. My brothers annoy me but, I don't hate them. The general public, however, does piss me off. There is not anything I can do about that, though. Nope, no reason for a reboot of my life. I enjoy it. I have bad days but, so does everyone else. I guess that's my fresh start. That for once...I don't need a fresh start. Hmm...kinda nice.